میگه هنوز امید داره. می گه هنوز معتقده که یه روز این قفل باز می شه. باید ادامه داد. باید به محبت بی دریغ ایمان داشت . باید صادق بود و مهربون بود و استوار... تداوم محبت یه روز قفل دل یک نفر رو باز می کنه و اون هم به خاطر می آره که چطور می شه نترسید…
از صداش وقتی می گفت من هنوز ایمان دارم خوشم اومد…
I know he loves me. He takes care of me. He is patient with me. He makes me feel safe and secure. He respects me. He makes me feel loved… not the edge-of-roller-coaster love.. but simple, genuine, I-get-you, I-love-you-the-way-you-are kind of love…
And I like it. I enjoy it. I like him. I find him reliable. I appreciate his patience. I see all the small considerate attempts he makes every hour of every day to make me happy…
But… but even the idea of falling in love with him… the idea of ever falling in love, makes me tremble…
And thats's what I meant when I was talking about PTSD
Now the twist is that I kinda overanalyze the meetings with my shrink… I'm as restless as always… I've forgotten how to breathe normally… Everyone says it's normal… They say it's gonna get much harder before getting better. I try to think that fixing it now, before it's too, late is better than not getting fixed. I try not to think that maybe it's already too late…. I try to be strong, to be honest, to be good, to be myself… I try to find myself through it all.. and I forget to breathe…
Sometimes, it's not as hard…sometimes, it's not as impossible… sometimes, when there are tears, when there is a little air through all the tears… sometimes it gets easier!
You know, if you really don't wanna do it, I respect that. But if you don't do it because you think it's going to be too hard or you think you are going to lose... Well, I don't even wanna know you!
اصولا اهمیت ظاهر و قیافه چیز جوادیه. اما اگه خوشگل بودنه که باعث می شه یه شب که مریضی و پی ام اسی و افسرده ای، تو یه مهمونی افسرده، یه پسر معقول بیاد بشینه کنارت و دو ساعت باهات راجع به رابطه اینفورمیشن تئوری و فیدبک کنترل و معماری کلیساهای اسپانیایی تو قرن ۱۵، ۱۶ و ۱۷ و برنامه هات واسه اسکی امسال گوش بده، من خیلی ترجیح می دم که خوشگل باشم تا نباشم....
بالاخره بعد از سه ماه تمام شجاعتشو جمع می کنه و به بهانه خداحافظی بغلم می کنه. قول داده ام که سر می زنم بهش و چه نگرانه که از زندگی اش بیرون برم. دائم از آدمهایی می پرسه که فکر می کنه قراره جاشو تو زندگی ام بگیرند...
بغلم می کنه ... بار دومیه که بهم دست می زنه. بار قبل به بهانه یه شوخی لوس آروم زده بود به بازوم... بغلم میکنه... محکم تر و طولانی تر از یه بغل معمولی... دلم نمی خواد اینقدر آشفته باشه... حتی دلم می خواد فکر کنم که توی یه دنیای دیگه میتونست مرد من باشه... اما وقتی ته ته احساساتمو می گردم هیچی پیدا نمیکنم... خالی ام! خالی خالی و خالی ام... بغلم می کنه... من لپتاپ و ژاکت تو دستمه.. یک سانت هم تکون نمی خورم...
روز بعد ایمیل میزنه که قرار بذاره... کلاس ورزش دارم. قرار رو کنسل می کنم!
یاد بار اول می افتم که باهاش مفصل حرف زده ام... خود ۴ ساعت اونقدر توی بحث غرق بودیم که تمام اطراف رو فراموش کرده بودیم.... خود ۴ ساعت، محو بودیم....
بگذاریم که فضا و فرصت خدمت برای همه ایرانیانی که دل در گرو این مرز و بوم دارند باز شود. بگذاریم که شایستگان به مردم خدمت کنند. بگذاریم که سینه ها از کینه ها پاک شود. بگذاریم که آشتی جای قهر و دوستی جای دشمنی بنشیند.
بگذاریم اسلام با چهره رحمانی اش، ایران با چهره عقلانی اش، انقلاب با چهره انسانی اش و نظام با چهره عاطفی اش همچنان حماسه بیافریند...
می خوام بگم یه حال و هوایی، یه حسی تو اون ش موقع گفتن شکلات هست که تو هیچ چاکلتی پیدا نمی شه...
شوکولات هم که اصولا دنیای روحانی مخصوص به خودشو داره!
Being unhappy, by itself is no big deal... The danger lies in having someone in your life because whom you would happily be unhappy....
Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer.
مامان بیشتر roommate بود تا مامان. راستش اینه که سخته بیام خونه و کسی منتظرم نباشه. اصلا به خودش و دوریش حتی فکر نمی کنم. همینکه هم اتاقی ات رفته و تو می آی خونه و تنها غذا می خوری به اندازه کافی دلگیر هست...
از سر ناچاری همه اش به خودم قول می دم دختر خوبی بشم...خوشجال باشم... خودم باشم... از سر ناچاری تنها کاری که می تونم واسشون بکنم همینه... دیگه حتی بحث دل تنگی هم نیست... خیلی عمیقتر از این حرفهاست... خیلی عمیقتره!
از سر ناچاری واسشون کادو می خرم... از سر ناچاری همه اش جوک میگیم.... از سر ناچاری عکس میگیرم و براشون چاپ می کنم... که به روی خودمون نیاریم که چقدر ناتوانیم براشون...
از سر ناچاری گاهی می گن مواظب خودتون باشید... از سر ناچاری تشکر می کنن از اینکه اومدن خونه ام موندن.... از سر این ناچاری کوفتی که حتی ابزاری واسشون نمی ذاره که نشون بدن چقدر دل تنگند... چقدر دوستم دارند... چقدر دوری از من براشون سخته... چقدر دور از من احساس پیری می کنند...
حتی نمی تونم شروع کنم به فکر کردن به دلتنگیشون...
ببین عزیز من! دختر من! وقتی میری سر کار جدید و از همون روز اول مهم ترین هیجانی که می بینی اینه که همه از یادآوری ۱۰ جون تنشون لرزیده... وقتی به خاطر تازه وارد بودنت هیچی از هیچی تو ۲ هفته نفهمیدی ... و بالاخره ۱۰ جون می آد و اتفاقا روز اولیه بعد از سه هفته که تو کم خوابی وحشتناک نداری و شادی و خلاصه می ری سر کار.. و ایمیل چک می کنی و می بینی همه از جمله مدیر گروهت و رئیس مدیر گروهت و خلاصه احتمالا نصف شرکت تمام آخر هفته رو صبح تا شب تا صبح کار کردن و تو میشینی فضول فضول تمام ایمیل ها رو می خونی و کم کم با کلی سرچ کردن و گوگل و ویکی و این حرفا بو می بری چه خبره و اوضاع چیه... و همه خلاصه قاطی اند و تو خجسته حالی... اون موقع لطفا هیجانتو کنترل کن! درسته خیلی خوشحالی که اینقدر عمیق و هیجان انگیز فضولی کرده ای و کلی چیز یاد گرفتی... لطفا جلوی زبونت رو بگیر! وقتی همه با قیافه شاکی می رن اتاق کنترل که قضیه رو جمع کنن، از جلوی دست و پا برو کنار... وقتی عصر بر می گردن و قضیه گند خورده و همه افسرده اند و تلنگر بزنی فحش می دن، با ذوق اعلام نکن که داشتی تمام این مدت فضولی می کردی و کلی سیستم رو با ایراد هاش و سختی هاش یاد گرفتی بس که بدبختی هاشون رو دنبال کردی، لطفا کلمه exciting رو به زبون نیار....
یا اگه خیلی اصرار داری، همه این کارها رو بکن.... بعید نیست به خاطر همین چیزها اینقدر اصرار به استخدامت داشتند....
On a warm January evening, he dropped me off at the airport!
I was leaving and he so wanted me to leave... And he so wanted me not to leave.. He tried hopelessly to escape from the moment, tried hardly to drag his friend so that he wouldn't be alone.. I kept on talking bullshit on the way, just to keep him calm. Didn't work.
I started repeating the same usual stuff. Couldn't help it. I so needed to ask him, to beg him to take care of himself.. to be happy....
I was fine, almost calm! Not that I had no feelings... I just had run out of all my feelings long ago...
I had left part of my love, part of my heart long ago and it was simply too late.. too late to take anything back... too late to forget anything... too late to change any of what I left... to change the fact that I had left a big part of my heart... so I was in peace with all of it...
We got to the airport... We hugged... Of course it was damn hard to leave piece of my heart again, but I was fine. I was even half thinking about my knee pain and the long flight...
I said goodbye and even I might have not said it . Then I took my red luggage and entered through the glass door. I saw the escalator and I knew I had to take those stairs. I was fine.. I was perfectly calm ... but for some reason my heart was pounding ilke crazy... I was walking towards the stairs and I was not looking back... Damn! I was not looking back... He was there and I was not looking back... I hated that I'm not looking back and I didn't look back... I was leaving and I was not looking back... I just knew in no hypothetical world, I would be allowed to look back... I wasn't looking back, but I just felt him standing there, felt it under my skin... and I was just not looking back...
I did not look back. So the time froze then. Part of the world stopped just there. There is a whole parallel frozen world where he is standing behind the glass door and I'm taking the stairs and I'm not looking back... Nothing is ever gonna change anything in that world...
Eventually at some point, I should forgive and you should not forget...
But right now, I haven't forgiven and you have forgotten...
Just realized that one of my biggest weaknesses is that even I am intimidated, kinda terrorized by my own "Don't mess with me" attitude..
Walking by the river... where we used to walk together... It's colder than last year, the breeze keeps you on the edge... people running as usual and I'm listening to the music. The scenery in the light is different. It seems less poetic, more realistic, more compromising, even the clouds don't get you higher and higher....
I get to the "spot". The small pool that's been separated from the river by a drive way. Not many people run this small path.. Green tree leaves falling... I lean in by the fences, carrying a piece of wood stick... I lean in and listen to the music... "Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close and have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go"
A big fish jumps out and in the water. Even if it was there that night, we probably couldn't see it in the dark. We might have just heard the sound water splashes.
I play with my stick, listening to the music "You never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine". I was playing with another stick and he suddenly grabbed it and threw it in the water. I screamed joyfully and pretended that I wanted to jump into the water to get my stick back...
It gets chilly. I hate summer, everything about summer is so wrong. I prefer winter evenings that you can stay there for as long as you want and sing out load and no one sees you nor hears you... There is a bench by the fences, under a tree. If you sit there, you have the perfect view of the skyline. I sit there, listening to the music... "Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it"
I hate summer evenings.. In winter, the cold wind is a perfect excuse for a wet face, I reach out to my colorful wrap and wear it.
"I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart"... Suddenly, all the memories get clear, I remember every single moment in a fraction of a second... The kiss that never happened... The hands that were never held... We couldn't see the fish jumping out and in the water in the dark... The summer heat was taking the breath away.. The puzzle is finally solved...
Now the breeze makes me shiver... Tears don't let me find the wood stick by my side easily... I walk by the fences, lean in and throw the stick into the water...
It flows, and I keep on looking at it. I know it will be there as long as I stand there and look at it... I know it's getting dark pretty soon and I won't see it there anymore... I know that I can stare in the darkness to see the stick as long as I want... I walk away, come back, have one more last glance at it and leave....
You know you're playing poker with the right people when they get sad an apologize for knocking you out!
I wanted, I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed,I need to hear you say
That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you, for being away for far too long
So keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and never let me go...