هرکه رفت پاره ای از دل ما را با خود برد....

I'm not sad any more. I'm not miserable. I'm not even mad. I don't feel self-pitty. I'm not lonely. I don't see my world ending. I'm not tired of all this. I don't try to solve this mysterious problem. I'm not looking for answers to all these questions. I don't even regret anything. I haven't forgotten to dance. I didn't quit the enjoyment of a cup of coffee. It doesn't hurt much to watch the old photos. I don't hate you or even dislike you or anyone else. I don't even feel pity for you anymore. I'm not dependent on you for anything. I can't let anyone enter my life, but I enjoy a small chat every now and then. I found thousands of new friends.I did a lot of shopping that makes me beautiful and smile and the same time. I bought many fascinating books and I started learning many new topics that I always wanted to know about. I am gathering tiny pieces of my broken self-confidence little by little but I will be on the league again very soon. I have fabulous friends who are by my side during giggles and tears. I still can't concentrate on my work as I like, but constant practice is helping. I light candles for myself every evening to feel warm in my heart. I listen to the music that I have missed for a long time. I cook the food that I like for myself. I go for long walks when I find a time carrying a book or magazine and having headphones in my ears. I never forget that time moves only in one direction and I'm looking forward for nothing to happen. I never think about future. Hope is a just a meaningless word for me. There are no dreams nor wishes. All there is, is infinite darkness. I lie when I pretend that I wouldn't be unhappy for your unhappiness. I lie when I say that I even want you to be unhappy...

But.... But the truth is that I miss you... I miss you so much that it hurts... this literally bleeding heart hurts so much that I don't remember how to breathe... I still dream of you most of the nights. I dream that nothing has happened and everything is just as it was long time ago. I still hear your voice. I can really really feel your touch on my skin. I still feel safe when I imagine leaning on your shoulder... I miss you so much... and I feel you never understand how it hurts to miss you.... how it hurts to "miss" you! And it hurts when I know that you don't miss me.. It breaks my heart so deeply that I don't even hope that it ever heals again... 

I know that nothing comes back again.. I know that time will heal everything more or less.. I know that it's natural to be so sad... and still it hurts...

I remember small memories.. silly little things that happened long time ago.. little jokes we used to have... silent empty moments that nothing was happening and the world seemed to be just as perfect as it can be... and I miss you... and it hurts when I think that you try so hard to forget all these.. that you try so hard to destroy the past for yourself and me...

And I miss you so much that it hurts... and it doesn't mean that I have the slightest desire to change anything or anyone... I miss you without wanting you, without any demand... 

And I know that I'll be strong again.. I know that I will be happy again... and most of all... I know that I won't regret anything... I won't regret my happiness and my sadness and my mistakes and my emotions and my decisions and all those moments...

پ.ن.: نوشتن این پست هفته ها طول کشیده. واسه همین یک دست نیست.